Excuses People Make For Dating Failure
One of the most unfortunate truths in the dating world is that a disproportionately large number of single adults have actually given up on dating completely. Interestingly, some such people really have no concrete answer as to why this is. Others are readily able to come up with an excuse or two (or ten). Either way, it’s tragic that so many people voluntarily choose a life without any chance of meeting a “significant other”.
My personal feeling is that just about any one of us walking this planet could theoretically join the throng of those who have thrown in the towel on dating. Each one of us could cite some excuse of our own and be done with it-after all, nobody’s perfect.
Yet there are plenty of people who experience wild success in the dating world despite their own subset of imperfections. The secret is figuring out what negative thoughts are theoretically limiting us and addressing them effectively.
While there are an infinite number of reasons people can cite for dating failure, there’s a definite “Top Ten List” of excuses people tend to cling to for dating failure.
1) Physical Limitations
While it’s always a great idea to be in the best shape one can and to make some effort with regard to one’s appearance, it’s shocking how many people cite a relatively minor physical imperfection and automatically assume nobody will be interested in dating them. Ironically, many of what we see as “limitations” may be “perfect imperfections” in the eyes of a beholder.
2) Advanced Age
It’s not uncommon to believe one is “too old” to date. Amazingly, this sentiment can present itself as early as 28 or 30 years of age for some people! Meanwhile, a simple look around shows that there are “newlyweds” of all ages out there. Logically, of course, all of these people had to start dating somewhere…and it probably wasn’t years and years ago! Interesting, despite the stereotype of older guys dating younger women I find that men and women make this excuse in equal numbers.
3) Kids
How many single parents exclude themselves from the dating pool using their kids as an excuse? Many claim that they are just waiting until the kids “leave the nest” before dating again. This could mean ten or twenty years from now! Something tells me that someone who plays this card will simply utilize a different excuse after the kids are finally out of the house (maybe the one above?). Other single parents claim that “nobody will accept them and their kids as a package deal”. Hey, how about all the other single parents out there? Would they not relate better to another single parent? If you are one also why deny them the chance to meet you?
4) Games
If you’ve been lied to, cheated on and / or stood up repeatedly it’s easy to call it quits on dating just to make sure it doesn’t happen again. How about asking key questions of prospective dates up front instead? Find out what others are looking for from a relationship and encourage honesty. If you’ve been stood up some, call out “flakiness” in the very conversation in which the first date is arranged. These options, although very direct, are a lot more comfortable than spending life alone.
5) Finances
“Women want rich guys and I don’t make enough money.” “Dating is too expensive.” “I can’t afford a babysitter”. Yawn. Whatever happened to assuming the best from someone else? Not all women are “gold diggers”. Likewise, if a single parent is financially strapped enough that hiring a babysitter is out of the question, it’s not uncommon for a potential suitor to volunteer to cover the cost. Although it may be uncomfortable to accept such an offer, consider that denying it means you are depriving someone of the chance to date you…which is what he or she clearly prefers or the offer wouldn’t have been extended.
The first five “excuses” centered around physical limitations, advanced age, kids, game playing and finances. Let’s continue where we left off:
1) Shyness
If words are hard to come by and meeting people is not easy, you certainly aren’t alone. For better or worse, women still largely expect men to approach them first, so men especially have to get around shyness. This is probably the #1 excuse men give (along with the next one), and citing it can only point to one thing: you simply lack the guts to go for it. Women love men who are confident, and being able to start a conversation with an attractive woman is a key indicator of this. So guys, you just have to find the courage to make conversations happen. There are innumerable books and articles written on this elsewhere, but the best place to start is simply to make conversation with waitresses, bank tellers and any other women you meet during the course of daily life. Once you realize they will be friendly back, you are on the road to getting over shyness. If, on the other hand, you find women are NOT responding well, it’s time to address creepiness-because women will normally respond very favorably (if not necessarily romantically) to any man who is friendly and non-threatening.
Ladies if you find yourself clamming up when an interesting guy approaches you, the same concept holds true. Just treat the conversation as if with anyone you’ve already known for years. Easier said than done, I realize, but again practice makes perfect.
2) Fear Of Rejection
Ah yes…the second excuse that men so often make. Our poor egos would be sooo bruised if a woman fails to validate us. The quickest cure for this is for a guy to begin to view approaching women as an opportunity to validate HER as a potential friend rather than a “do or die” referendum on whether she “accepts” him or not. That way, there’s really no “rejection” involved, is there? The prevailing scenario is-again-that typically women will be friendly to guys who aren’t obnoxious or creepy. If they are in fact rude to a guy who approaches, my feeling is that the guy dodged a serious bullet. Who wants to get stuck with a rude woman?
Fear of rejection can manifest itself even after a relationship is rolling. If we’ve been “dumped” a few times in a row it’s easy to give up on dating altogether. Once again, asking the right questions ASAP in a relationship can help make sure differences in goals don’t show up later. It’s also important to look in the mirror if we get dumped time and again-especially if for no apparent reason. Are you giving vibes that you might not be trustworthy long term? Have you become less personable as your “true colors” are shown? Are you pushing too hard for commitment too early? All of these are GREAT reasons to get “dumped”. Make sure you aren’t perpetrating your own revolving-door relationships.
3) Risk
Schedule a few dates in public places and you’ll soon realize that most of your dates aren’t “dangerous”…even the ones you meet online. Once such “physical risks” are mitigated, consider emotional risks carefully. If you are afraid of “getting hurt” consider the types of people most likely to inflict emotional pain and avoid them. This means asking the right questions regarding what is expected out of a ‘relationship’ and-quite simply-not becoming emotionally attached to someone with a different agenda. Will you ever be able to take all “risk” off the table? No. But as Tennyson is so often quoted as saying, “it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” Believe that, and you’ve cured yourself of this excuse…especially when you realize just how much lower the “risk factors” can truly be when the right conversations happen from the beginning.
4) “No Man Can Handle Me”
This is the mantra of smart, successful and / or strong willed women everywhere. Don’t “dumb down” for anyone, but do make an effort to position yourself where you have the opportunity to meet guys who meet your standards. I’ll be the first to acknowledge that sitting at the top of the bell curve means that your dating options are limited as a woman in particular. But you can and will meet a man you can respect…if you are determined. Don’t give up.
5) Disdain For The Opposite Sex
Well, I hope that it comes as no surprise that people who really can’t stand the opposite gender have a tough time finding someone of that demographic who is willing to commit to them. When spelled out so clearly it actually sounds silly, doesn’t it? If your sexual orientation is straight yet you don’t like the opposite sex much, plan on being very lonely until that is dealt with. Argue with me if you so choose, but my personal experience is that people who don’t like the opposite sex are typically hard to get along with for members of their OWN gender also. Go figure.
